My Story

So, I started this off unsure about saying who I am. I'm still not to keen on the idea of posting my identity, since as anyone with Trichotillomania knows it is sort of a "hidden" disorder. Anyway, I decided my first name (which is Savannah) is something I'm comfortable with saying. I also decided that I'd kind of start this blog off on a personal note, with my own Trichotillomania story. I started picking at my eyelashes at 1 1/2 years old, my family thinks it's because my mom had cancer around that time and was constantly in and out of the hospital. I didn't start literally pulling them out until I was 2 or so. My parents had me in therapy VERY early, around three or four. I hated it. One of my earliest therapy memories is a therapist advising my parents to sew gloves onto the ends of my pajamas. I was probably four, and I had a complete breakdown in the office. What kid wants to have that done? I guess I felt like I was being punished, and nobody understood I didn't want to do it- I just had to.

Fast-forward through years of more awful therapists and being forced to sleep with gloves on (I usually took them off, the sewing them on thing didn't last long), when I was eleven or so I tried hypnotherapy. It took well, surprisingly. For maybe six months or so I did fantastic. Then I stopped listening to the CD's at night, and it gradually wore off. I don't think I could have kept it up even if I attempted to, I was supposed to listen to half-hour CD's nightly and it just didn't work. After that I honestly gave up for a few years and just lived my life. I've never had a problem with bullying really, I've always hid it well even though I basically never have any eyelashes. Of course I've had those few awkward moments where people ask questions, but again while I'm being honest I've always lied my way out of it. The longest "pull free" period I've had is maybe two months ago when I stopped for three weeks. It was great, but stress took over and I pulled again. I've always dealt with my Trichotillomania privately, and refused most of my parents attempts at helping me. I do genuinely hope I can beat this someday. It's tough because Trich has basically always been a part of me, it's my release in many aspects. I think it has damaged me socially because I have always tried to not be too noticed, and it has broken my self-esteem in a lot of ways. In another aspect it's something that is going to be emotionally hard to let go of, I can't imagine NOT doing it ever again. In a way that thought is wonderful, in a way it's scary, and in another it's a little saddening. It's hard to hate something that's a part of myself.

I am planning on starting Monday to see if I can beat my three week run. I'm hoping blogging about it can help me learn about myself and how to stop pulling, and hopefully I'll help someone else in the process. I'll post my progress daily, or as much as I can. I'm starting therapy again for the first time in a long time as well. I'm nervous, but we'll see.

Also check out my top links for my info if you want to contact me!
Savannah.